At one point in time the conversation around gender and sex was rational. This has ceased to be the case. Therefore, it's necessary that someone re-establish some sanity. Early on, people were under the belief that gender and sex are not the same thing.
That's true.
Over time this has morphed into the opinion that they are the same thing. This flatly false view is now held by college students, professors, mainstream media outlets, and people who wish to look trendy and cool. Appearing to be ignorant was probably not high on their list of priorities, but that's where they are today.
So let's review.
SEX
Sex is a biological categorization. Examples of sexes are male and female. Despite what you may read in Wikipedia, these categories are synonymous with man and woman. Someone may have indistinct or ambiguous sexual characteristics. This is an astonishingly small minority of people who, due to some genetic factors, have both sets of sexual characteristics (are hermaphroditic), or are perhaps lacking them. Only this set of people are something other than male or female.
In nature, many organisms have differentiated sexes. There are some dioecious trees that spawn male and female sexes. Examples are cedar, ash, mulberry, oxelder, persimmon, white ash, ginkgo, holly, red cedar, Osage orange, aspen and willow. As you can see, it's quite common.
Males produce sperm (or in the case of trees, pollen). Male humans have XY chromosome pairs.
Females produce eggs (seeds in the case of trees). Female humans have XX chromosome pairs.
None of the above says anything about a person's gender.
GENDER
Gender is a social construct. Without society, gender is meaningless. For instance dioecious trees have sexes; they do not have gender.
Examples of genders are masculine and feminine. Most of the time -- the vast majority -- a person's gender is aligned with that person's biological sex... masculine with male and feminine with female. This is what's meant when someone says cis-gendered. The word itself is an admission that sex and gender are different things. So don't get caught up in the embarrassment of listening to some "learned individual" who can't tell the elementary difference.
But it's possible to be a masculine woman or an effeminate man. This has always been the case. Always.
Although in recent years the word "gender" has acquired the additional meaning of "sexual preference" or "the expression of one's sexuality", it still doesn't mean one's biological sex. And though in the vast majority of cases gender and sex are aligned, it's possible that they're not. Masculine men can be attracted to other men (Google "gay bear"). Effeminate men can be attracted to women. Similar non-alignments are true of some feminine and masculine women.
TRANSITIONING
Some people have gender dysphoria. They think of themselves as a different sex. And some of those people with gender dysphoria undergo chemical and surgical procedures to pass as a member of that sex. The usual ideal result is that the patient does indeed pass. In this event, no casual observer would guess that the patient wasn't born as what they now appear to be.
As this is not the same as being the opposite sex, the patient is forever dependent upon hormone treatments, and there's no real guarantee that any particular patient will convincingly "pass". But the patient feels strongly enough to make the attempt; and most people will politely acknowledge the attempt.
Other people make no attempt beyond some superficialities like haircut and wardrobe. Realistically, there should be no expectation of passing on will alone.
Whether a person passes or not, their genetics are unchanged. Just as you wouldn't expect your risk of sickle-cell anemia to increase simply because you "identify as" Black, you realistically can't expect your insurance to start paying for cervical exams if you don't have a cervix.
LANGUAGE - PRONOUNS
Until recently the word "gender" was used in language to represent masculine, feminine, and neuter. These are generally aligned with sexual characteristics; but as you already know if you've ever studied gendered languages such as French, Spanish, or German, this isn't always the case. A male cat might still be referred to linguistically as "feminine" despite what the cat thinks of himself. This isn't the only sort of characterization that might happen, though. Linguistic differences might occur on the basis of age, or social position, or whether you're part of a tribe or an outsider, for example.
The point here is that linguistic gender is not an expression of your sexuality. The cat doesn't care that you've "mis-gendered" him. And a woman speaking a genderless language doesn't "disrespect" you when she doesn't use pronouns that don't exist in her language. She's simply speaking her native tongue or dialect.
In English, there is only one pronoun pair that is used when addressing an individual face-to-face: you (nominative/objective cases) and your (possessive case). When someone is addressing you, some form of "you" is the only pronoun you will hear, irrespective of your gender, sex, or any other factor. (I say "some form" as a nod to colloquialisms such as y'all, ya, youse, etc.)
LANGUAGE - FORMS OF ADDRESS
There are other polite forms of address which offer the opportunity for misgendering: words such as "sir" and "ma'am", etc. I will discuss these below.
PROPRIETY
The plain fact of the matter is that your sexual preference makes... or should make... no practical difference in everyday life. No one but your sexual partners gives a damn who it is you sleep with. It's crass, crude, and distasteful to announce it... every bit as crass, crude, and distasteful as it is to be judgmental about your personal choices.
If you arrive at a dinner party with your mate, you'd be taken aback if someone made a big deal out of your choice of partner. This would be as true if you had an opposite sex partner as it would be if you were in a same-sex relationship. You'd expect people to keep whatever thoughts they had on the matter to themselves, just a cis-gendered man expects silence if someone else doesn't like his choice of wife.
Therefore there is no need to announce -- much less demand -- that others use pronouns for you that aren't common in the language. It's walking into a room and blatantly announcing to everyone things that are not their business, to be used in conversations that are none of your business. Remember, the pronouns used about you aren't for you. You will only be referred to as "you" as described above. If some other pronoun is used, you're not part of that conversation.
I've seen people melt down in public when mis-gendered with a form of address such as "ma'am" or "sir". Such meltdowns are always self-destructive. For one thing, they happen when someone is addressing a person who unsuccessfully presented as another gender.
Example: putting on a pair of trousers doesn't make a woman into a man... women have been wearing trousers far too long for such a thing to be notable, much less shocking or even informative. It's not some stranger's fault that you unsuccessfully presented as something that doesn't match your self-evident biology. They have no way of knowing whether they're addressing a woman trying to present as a man, one who's just working in the garden today, or one who is simply too poor to wear something else.
For another thing, the strangers used that form of address because they were trying to be respectful. Now, most people will give you a certain amount of respect by default. Saying "sir" or "ma'am" to a stranger is one way of doing that. But they don't owe you that respect... it's a gift. The proper response in such a case is, "It's 'sir', but I appreciate the courtesy." You have a good chance at receiving a "Sorry, sir," in response. Ask any doctor who's been called "mister". A little polite correction is all that's needed.
Remember, what little courtesy you initially receive is unearned. Anything beyond that must be earned. But what little you were given unearned can be lost far more quickly than you imagine if you decide to take a ride through Dicktown in the prickmobile and start shouting and blame-casting in response, particularly if you're not wearing your possible preferred forms of address all over your shirt.
In other words, if you want people to be polite to you, you must always assume that you must be the first to be polite. Simple as that. A good way to start is to remember that you're not special. There are billions of people in the world, and very few of them have sought out your Twitter profile and connected whatever pic is there with your real face, then committed your private language forms of address to your person.
Notice that I am addressing this to "you", and have not used another pronoun for you in this entire post. See how that works?
NOTE: In case anyone is wondering, here's how I manage things, and this is non-negotiable in all cases, no exceptions. Everyone I meet is addressed as "you" in face-to-face conversation. In third-person reference, if someone presents as a woman and makes no stated preference, I use "she/her/hers"; and if someone presents as a man and makes no stated preference, I use "he/him/his". But if someone does make a stated preference then I retain "you" and otherwise refer to that person by name using no third-person pronouns at all. I don't announce my intention or start an argument over it; I just do it. After all, that person has chosen to be crass, crude, and distasteful by announcing things that are none of my business. My response is as respectful as it gets. Simply using a name skirts the issue entirely.
