Wednesday, January 06, 2016

How to Ruin a (Post) Christmas Song


A friend shared this with me:



In a fit of deliberate obtuseness, I responded by pointing out that in Murney's song, she killed or rejected every gift AS SHE GOT THEM. Her true love should thank the Lord to be rid of that psychotic woman.

Now, I know it's supposed to be a funny song, and it is. It's supposed to happen after she got all the gifts (she has the liturgical calendar completely turned around, confusing Christmastide with Advent). I happen to think it's just a lot funnier to make somebody think it through and realize what's actually being sung.

Now, the Twelve Days of Christmas start with Christmas day, ending yesterday, January 5th. This is followed by today, January 6th, the Epiphany. Look it up. Even if you're Anglican (for whom the Twelve Days are synonymous with Christmastide) they start at sunset on Christmas Eve. Today, January 6th, is the day that the wise men show up with gifts. If I had control over when to give gifts, it would be today, not Christmas day at all!

But that's not important right now.

The point here is that in Julia's song, she most definitely killed or rejected each gift within a day of getting it. Not only that, she started the season out with a fight on the Feast of St. Stephen (aka "boxing day", the day after Christmas. No tidings of comfort and joy from her!). Probably, her true love was sending gifts to appease "Her Royal Vengeance", since she didn't like the partridge she got on Christmas.

About her true love... he probably does a lot of groveling like that. She destroyed gift after gift after gift, and he kept sending them, to the tune of $34 thousand, minimum. That takes a lot of wimpage. He's got some serious co-dependency going on here. Probably didn't get enough approval from Mummy and now he's looking for it from a girlfriend. No wonder she doesn't respect him... he's waaaay too immature. Look at the impractical gifts he sends! I think a few sessions with Doctor Freud are called for.

As for the singer... she needs to go to an AA meeting. Immediately. And get some help with anger management while she's at it.

Don't bother... no amount of peace offerings will stem her irrational wrath.




Here's a link to my own (slightly dysfunctional) photo collection of The Twelve Days of Christmas. You can also download the PDF.




Sunday, January 03, 2016

G.I. Joker


I remember when G.I. Joe was a real G.I..
'Nuff said.

Saturday, January 02, 2016

The Real Gun Nuts.

My last post was an open letter to those people I would offend this year.

I didn't think I'd be getting started this early.

A friend posted a message on social media, and I'll paraphrase because it is a friend. In the post he asserts that he's for the right to bear arms, but air guns that resemble actual weapons are a clear sign of gun culture gone insane. He posits that since kids get killed for holding them, we should remove the guns. He goes on to ask if parents fear emasculating their boys if they remove this risk of death at the hands of the police.

My response:

Sure, why not? Take their toys and casually criticize their sexuality and/or imply that their parents are homophobes while we're at it. We can justify that because police have a hard job, so we can't expect them to do it properly. It's so difficult to draw a line between children playing and a terrorist attack that pointing a finger can get actually get a schoolkid expelled, and this is endorsed by the best, most highly educated thinkers in our society. And pockets are only used to conceal things, so they should be banned and everyone should carry items in clear plastic bags, as in many schools already.

And we should teach our kids that the Police are "public servants", which is why we the public should obey every order they give, never assert our rights, and produce any "papers" they might demand, as well as avoid direct eye contact, which they might imagine to be threatening. Any deviation from this behavior, and your death is your own damned fault. Submission and prompt compliance is the only way to be free.

That any portion of that seems reasonable is proof of how far our country has descended.

The "gun nuts" are not the people who understand weapons and educate others with a healthy respect for the documented Constitutional rights which they've had from the very beginning. The "gun nuts" are the ignorant mental cases who live in the fantasy world where a bitten sandwich is a "facsimile weapon". If someone should be locked up, it's those lunatics, as their grasp of reality is at the very best hanging by a mere thread. More than my NRA member neighbors who surround me on all sides, these ignoramuses scare the piss out of me because being so mentally fragile they could snap at any moment. I don't want to go even one step closer to their position.


--==//o0o\\==--


Before you gasp in horror at how I phrased that to a "friend", remember that my friendships are not safe spaces. I know my friends and they know me. I know that this particular friend is a second amendment supporter. He's really asking why do YOU buy the guns when the cops will shoot at anything resembling one.

I prefaced my response with "(This is very slightly exaggerated for effect. The slippery slope is real.)".  I mention the slippery slope because please note that this isn't a discussion about gun control. It's a discussion about toys and sporting equipment. I've mentioned before that "everything your kids do, every game they play, is practice for adulthood." That's true. We buy toy guns so that our children will learn to be safer with real ones. Furthermore, when a child has his own he's not as tempted to seek out Daddy's. Toy guns, pellet guns and BB guns instill a comfort and confidence with firearms on a graduated scale. And if you are taught to be cowardly and fearful of them, then that's practice for adulthood, too. And it's a near certainty that any firearm in the hands of an adult so taught will be dangerous and unpredictable, as these are characteristics brought by the shooter.

At its worst, this abject fear fueled by ignorance leaves a human brain in such a state that they cannot tell a threat from a joke; play from assaults; and a weapon from a pastry.

Here's how very slightly that response was exaggerated.

This is a dangerous facsimile of a gun
according to school officials.

This man is making a threatening and dangerous
gesture, according to the standards set for our children.
He's also the Dalai Lama.

This isn't what policemen should look like, nor carry themselves.
More and more, they carry themselves like SWAT even
when in uniform. That's why minority children are taught
never to ask for help, do not assist, do nothing to get yourself
killed
by these men, and it's no longer limited to the minorities


In other words, not at all. Nevertheless, despite having the teeth pulled from the "gun nut" label, the "right-wing nut jobs" were declared to be out in force. Fine. Here's a gun-control wing-nut. Not a mechanical wingnut... the living breathing variety. Feel free to use it when you're confronted with the label.












Image credits:

Friday, January 01, 2016

To Those I Will Offend

This is a bit of a tradition among the politically incorrect, but I'll continue it...

To those whom I will offend this year on various social media with mere words or an expression of opinion, be it religious, political, philosophical, or personal; be it to someone I love, know, barely know, or have never met:
If you feel that your circle of friends is your "safe space", then it is not mandatory for me to lie about my thoughts in order to strive remain in it. I value my friendships because they are valuable. A relationship that's one-sided, where one person makes incessant demands and the other treads on eggshells, is inherently worthless. My friendships are not safe spaces. They are populated with people who will challenge me and make me think in new, sometimes uncomfortable ways. With great risks come great rewards.
If friendship is your safe space, its maintenance is your responsibility. It's up to you to exclude those who would damage your calm. If you can hang with it and change my mind I may change my behavior; but by all means, if you feel threatened by the mere knowledge that an alternate concept exists then unfriend me. It's probably for the best, as I wouldn't have befriended you had I known in advance how fragile and dysfunctional you were. 
And if, after you're discharged your responsibility, you eventually find that your circle of friends is depressingly small or nonexistent, then look with satisfaction on your loneliness. It's entirely your doing.  
--==-- 
Remember the part about friendship where you accept people as they are? That's right, it's entirely about how you accept them. It's called "tolerance", and it's not about forcing them into your mold. To accept them, flaws and all, you have to admit that having a flaw is acceptable. So discard the people who aren't your friends, but don't blame them for it. Friendship is a mutual pact. You're not a "victim" simply because you decided that you can't tolerate them
While you don't have to tolerate everything, you do have to accept responsibility for defining your boundaries.
--==-- 
By the way, the opposite of "friend" is not "enemy". If I'm not your friend, then most of the time that means we just don't talk, seek out each others' company, know each other well, or accept the flaws we each feel the other has. It might even mean that you're self-destructive to the point where I can't help you, and can no longer watch you. Though I acknowledge your right to make crappy decisions, I admittedly don't have the stomach to witness all of them. It does not mean I don't wish you well as a human being. It does not mean that you don't have a right to your opinion. It does not mean that you can't put your preferences into practice so long as I'm not forced into them.  It just means that I'm not immature enough to accept the "love me or hate me" ultimatum.
If you're simply not my friend, I just won't care what you do on your own. 
--==-- 
Friendship is not defined by what I do for you, or what you can do for me. If I ask you for a favor and you say "no", I take it to mean that you won't do that favor for me. I don't take it to mean you hate me and are a false friend. 
I expect you to feel the same when I say no. And if you don't I won't lose sleep over it, because that's not the kind of friend I'd keep anyway.
--==-- 
One other thing: I'm very protective of my rights. Friend or not, if you try to force a wedge between me and my rights or do the same to others who call out for my help, then that's pretty much the one thing you can do to become an enemy. 
I believe in tolerance, not self-destructive stupidity. There are limits, and there's math. Better to deprive you of your freedom than allow you to abuse it to deprive a multitude of theirs. I tolerate friends in their company; non-friends in their absence; and enemies not at all.


Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Two Stories, and a Moral


I have a couple of stories to share with you.


ONE:

Years ago (around 1992), before my twins were born, my sister called me at her wits' end. Her son was failing high school. He'd been kept back a grade, and she couldn't get him back on track. Not only was his classwork and homework lacking, he suffered from headaches which caused him to exceed his allowed sick days. He was also just generally truant.

"Send him to me," I said. So he came to live with me in the little city of Union, where there is one high school that serves the entire county. The school is located outside of town, miles from the nearest convenience store. I enrolled him there.

Shortly after the school year started, he called me from the school office. "Uncle Dave," he said, "I have a really bad headache. Can you come sign me out?"

"Go to the nurse and get some aspirin," I said.

"They won't hand out any medications," he replied (and that was true... I spoke with the nurse). He pleaded, "Can you please come sign me out?"

He had already been with me for some time, and I'm not an unobservant fellow. I noted with some interest that he didn't seem to suffer from these chronic headaches I'd been told about... not until he started school. "Meet me at the front of the school," I replied.

So I drove to the school, and there on the curb outside of the office stood my nephew, expectantly awaiting his ride home. He was still standing there after I rolled down the car window as I drove past slowly and wordlessly tossed a bottle of aspirin in his general direction.

He never asked for another ride home, and he completed that year and was promoted to the next grade.


TWO:

I have three sons. I have never ridden herd over any of them regarding homework. It was their assignment, their responsibility, their job; just as at their age my homework was my job. I have always been available to help when asked, but otherwise I'm completely hands-off.

That doesn't mean I don't pay attention. One of my children failed... more than once. For several years he attended summer school so that he wasn't held back a grade. It's not that he couldn't do the work... he made straight As in summer school. It's that he didn't want to do the assignments, and it cost him.

One day he came to me and said, "Dad, I don't want to be stupid anymore."

"Well then you're in luck. You were never stupid to begin with," I replied.

He said, "You know what I mean. I want to get out of the slower classes. I might have messed this up. I need help."

"OK," I said, "Here's what you need to do. If you need help understanding something, ask me. But don't wait until it's a problem. Just ask me as soon as you realize you don't understand it. But start by making sure you do your homework and turn your assignments in on time."

He did his homework and turned his assignments in on time. He never asked me for help in high school. He never needed it. Today he's in his second year at the University of South Carolina, and is a model student. Occasionally he asks me to proofread a paper.


THE MORAL:

I didn't respond to either of these young men the way they wanted or expected. My nephew wanted to go home and be pampered. I made him stay and slog out the remainder of that day and every other day he claimed a headache. He eventually stopped claiming them and just passed his grade. He could have done that at any time. If I had been overly attentive to his discomfort, he would have failed again. Discomfort is a part of life. We all deal with it. That doesn't change our obligations. My nephew needed to know that he had no option but attendance. So I gave him no option. My son needed to know that failure to perform equals failure to achieve. So I let him fail. They both needed to rely on themselves.

And yes, when it comes to parenting I can be an ass. I love my kids more than anything else in the world, but I'm not here to give them what they want. I'm here to teach them what they need so that they can get what they want for themselves. I was still there, watching. ready to make sure that the consequences weren't too dire. But if my nephew had needed a sick day or two, or my son wound up attending community college, it wouldn't have been the end of the world for either of them.


--==//oOo\\==--


God is a bit like that. I imagine I learned the technique from Him. When you pray to God give you something, you rarely get exactly what you ask for. If you pray to God for a hole in the ground, chances are He'll point you to a shovel. And he expects you to start digging. And you'd better dig, because next time He might answer with a spoon. When God provides, it may not be everything you ask for; it may not be your ideal; but it will get you by. You'll have to pitch in.

Sometimes when you pray He just lets you fail. When that happens, as near as I can tell, you pretty much needed to fail. And, as near as I can tell, that happens when you make the mistake of thinking that God is some kind of genie who's there to grant your wishes.


NEWS FLASH:

God is not a genie.

I've said this before, directing the message to Christians who inappropriately send the message that He is some kind of magical go-fer who will attend to their every whim. In that piece I said,
"If you tell someone that God will surely rescue them from whatever their affliction is if they only pray hard enough or sincerely enough, or long enough, you're lying to them. And you are cruelly making it their fault if their problems don't disappear. Prayer is for praise and supplication, but sometimes the answer is 'no'." 
If you're a Christian, don't make outrageous claims so that people will will not overlook their gifts and end up disillusioned. And more than that, stop others when they do it. And if you are relying on such claims, understand that God's prayers are most often answered by giving you the means to provide for yourself. If you are depending on more than that, then you're treating God as a genie. Stop, look at what you have to work with, and then work with it.

There are two other things. First, prayers of thanks are better than prayers of supplication. They encourage you to look at your gifts rather than overlook them. Second, almost always, the best way to help yourself is to help someone else. It sounds crazy, but it's true.



Here's how a pastor approaches the same subject. [link] He uses my graphic. ;)


Tuesday, December 29, 2015

For the Benefit of Bernie


Everyone's favorite member of Doc Emmett Brown's Hair Club for Men is back:


And he he's been tweeting:

You have families out there paying 6, 8, 10 percent on student debt but you can refinance your homes at 3 percent. What sense is that?

"What sense is that?" That's a fair question.

For the benefit of Bernie:

col·lat·er·al
kəˈladərəl,kəˈlatrəl/
noun 
1. something pledged as security for repayment of a loan, to be forfeited in the event of a default.
synonyms: security, surety, guarantee, guaranty, insurance, indemnity, indemnification; backing
"she put up her house as collateral for the loan" 
2. something that you don't have with a student loan.


risk 
noun 
1. a possibility of harm or damage against which something is insured. the possibility of financial loss.
"project finance is essentially an exercise in risk management" 
2. a primary component of student loans.


And that's how it makes sense.


--==//oOo\==--


When I first posted that, I was chided for belittling the candidate. And (I was told) Bernie understands the economics of it perfectly well. The problem with the responses of Bernie's supporters is that they appear to be projecting. They assume he understands the economics and they fill in the copious blanks to explain what he really means. This is apparently defined as what they think he means, such as that he's approaching this from the perspective of the people and not the banks. But communication is the candidate's job, and I remain unconvinced that these eloquent expressions of 'real' meaning are contained in Bernie's message.

Perhaps the medium is the problem. After all, you're not going to say much that's profound on Twitter.

Then again... naaaah.... it's still his job to demonstrate his competence. And since I'm an equal-opportunity critic, I find that my guilt remains disengaged. As this is the worst selection of Presidential candidates ever presented, disregarding party entirely, I see no reason to hold back on Bernie's account.

Sanders' tweet borders on pandering in that it ignores the fact that the bankers' perspective is reasonable. "Where's the sense...?" he asks. The sense is obvious, not merely from a profit-making perspective, but from the perspective of keeping the lending institutions solvent so that loans can continue to be made. This is every bit as much in the interest of the public as the banks.


The Real Problem

One thing that would make the loans less risky, and therefore cheaper, is if fewer people defaulted. But often people take on loans to pay for an education that is either not completed (sometimes due to the fact that they're uninterested or unsuited for academics) or because the returns on that investment are non-existent. This last is in direct opposition to what they were promised by people who sell education for a living.

More higher education does not solve either of these problems, and neither does "free" education (in reality, spreading the costs to others). You're still paying for formal education of people who either do not really want it, or will not benefit from it. Taking them out of the system entirely, however, would reduce the economic strain on the system.


A Better Society

One commenter noted that the existing system is not good social policy. "In effect," he says, "you’re purposefully holding the population back from bettering society and themselves." And let's ignore for a moment the hubris required to set one's self up as the arbiter of what makes another human being "better".

If we were to stay on-topic -- Bernie's tweet about interest rates -- and we took "the existing system" to mean the banking system charging more interest for more risk, then this isn't true in the slightest. Increased risk means loss, and in order to be sustainable, this loss must be covered by redistribution among those who did not forfeit. This is exactly what higher interest rates do. You don't get to magically dispel the costs by pretending they don't exist or by hiding them in the bookkeeping. There is no "holding back" involved in making those real costs visible.

If instead we took "the existing system" to mean the concept of you paying for that which is valuable to you, then I don't think that's true, either. Even when we look at it through Socialist eyes and proclaim that "Society" will pay for that which is valuable to the collective, we find that "more higher education" is a terribly unsatisfactory goal. Yet it is the simplistic goal of those socialists who overwhelmingly populate academia.

It is the common trope of those who sell education for a living that you must have their product to be successful, regardless of how you define success. We should approach this claim with the same skepticism with which we approach the claims of anyone who sells anything. While Learning is a wondrous and powerful thing, Education salesmen reflexively conflate "learning" with "college". This is a dangerous fallacy. While there may always be a benefit to the former (and I see no need to argue against it), there is not always a benefit to the latter. There are many paths to learning that don't involve buying their specific product.

But the truth is, if "Society" were to truly operate in its best interests rather than according to the dictates of those who have placed themselves in positions of influence, we would find that less education would be more valuable to the collective. The academicians get it wrong in a big way, and that's why we see stories like this: Why a BA is Now a Ticket to A Job in a Coffee Shop. More and more, college degrees are "required" by lazy HR managers for jobs that actually require no college-level skills. Lower level workers are thereby frozen out of jobs that they are skilled enough to do. These are the people who have placed no stress on the system, have cost society nothing, and who would immediately be productive were they allowed to be. But they are forced out of jobs and onto welfare roles by those who made the self-fulfilling prophecy. College grads who were promised success if they only pursued a diploma are disgruntled to find that this now earns them minimum wage. The Socialists peddling education as a panacea have done little but inflate the cost of higher education while devaluing the diploma and costing society untold billions of dollars in wasted effort and lost opportunity costs.

For decades now, we have let the socialist elite dictate that what makes a person "better" in their eyes should be universally applied to all. Their mistake has raised the cost of education to unsustainable levels. Now these socialists hope to improve the mess they created by decreeing that it should continue at the cost of all. Would it not be better for the collective itself to act to set both the cost and the value of an education rather than depend on the flawed premises of those who peddle the product? There is a mechanism for this, and it's called the Free Market. When it is subverted, as it has been; ruin is the result, as we have experienced.


A Mo' Better Society

Arguably, a better society arises when people are not shamed into pursuing goals which are not their own and when the rest of us bother to appreciate people for more than their social status as measured in years of formal education. Personally, I would find this trend, which began when I was very small, to smack of snobbery were it not now so prevalent due to the result of decades of indoctrination. It is this institutionalized snobbery that prevents us from examining the premise more closely.

Success is personal, and covers a broad spectrum. We don't even have to go to high-profile examples of mega-successful high-school grads and college dropouts like Bill Gates & Paul Allen (Microsoft), Steve Jobs (Apple), Larry Ellison (Oracle), Oprah Winfrey (Oprah), Michael Dell (Dell Computers), Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook), Jack Taylor (Enterprise Rent-a-Car), Dustin Moskovitz (Facebook), Peter Thiel (PayPal), Matt Mullenweg (WordPress), Arash Ferdowsi (DropBox), Ty Warner (Beanie Babies), Aaron Levie (Box), Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos), Stacey Ferreira (MySocialCloud.com), David Karp (Tumblr), Pete Cashmore (Mashable), Daniel Ek (Spotify), Danielle Morrill (Twilio), Jeffrey Kalmikoff (Threadless), Sahil Lavingia (Pinterest), Zach Sims (Codecademy), Ben Milne (Dwolla), David Neeleman (JetBlue Airways), Susan Lyne (AOL), Evan Williams (Blogger), Gabe Newell (Microsoft, Valve), John Mackey (Whole Foods), or Sophia Amoruso (Nasty Gal).

Consider instead the small business entrepreneur who lives just a quarter of a mile from me. He owns car washes, a convenience store, office complexes, strip malls, storage units, a recycling business... all on a high school education. And, he started with nothing but personal drive and a desire to try anything that might make a legitimate profit without regard to whether it was "beneath" him. Or the electrician, apprenticed to his dad, who earns more than a university professor. Or my plumber, who I'm very happy to report makes more than my doctor, since my plumber makes house calls. Or the guy who a couple of decades ago used to fill my furnace's kerosene tank on short notice on cold winter days, who now lives in a three-story mansion. He started out pumping gas. These are not random examples; they're friends and relatives who will recognize themselves here. These folks got the education that they needed to succeed. But "education" doesn't necessarily mean college or university, and it doesn't mean debt. They focused on their interests and put them to work.

The point here is not that you are going to have a wonderful life if you don't go to college; but that you can... just as you can be miserable and broke with a college degree, serving up candied coffee at Starbucks.

When we push people into the system when they are uninterested or unsuited, we run the very real risk of turning successes into failures. Paying for those failures does not prevent them. The comfortably well-off folks above could easily have been dejected college drop-outs if they had bought into the proposition that this expense defined their chances of success.

And the mega-rich who did drop out...? They did so because they were bright enough to reject the proposition outright.


Thursday, December 24, 2015

Merry Christmas!


Yes, it's actual dialogue, from the original series first-season episode Dagger of the Mind. The lady is the conveniently-named Dr. Helen Noel, played by the incomparable Marianna Hill.

One of the great things about Trek was that it recognized that despite all the tech they surround themselves with, people will be people. We'll still have Christmas, and office parties, and those little uncomfortable memories.

And that's something to smile about, wouldn't you say?

What happens on the Enterprise stays on the Enterprise.


And lest we forget the reason for the celebration, Trek's here to remind us: